DCP’s appeal to Stephen T. Colbert: please let us name a wild dolphin in your honor
It is common knowledge that the most powerful bipedal land mammal is The Rev. Sir Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.. But Colbert’s dominion does not yet reach the salty depths of the Earth’s oceans, where ‘sea bears’ (AKA sharks) dominate their weaker-willed marine companions. The only aquatic animal capable of challenging the sea bears’ totalitarian rule is the humble dolphin, whose superior intellectual prowess is no match for the sharks’ ill-conceived leftist agenda*.
In honor of Colbert’s tireless quest for truth, and unflinching pursuit of self-congratilitude, the non-profit research organization the Dolphin Communication Project will name a wild, Atlantic spotted dolphin in Colbert’s honor. Once permission has been granted by the land mammal Colbert, the dolphin currently known as ID#079 with be forever known as The Dolphin Stephen T. Colbert. ID#079 is a patriotic juvenile male dolphin, and a survivor of a vicious shark attack. He proudly displays the scar from this encounter like a star-spangled banner draped across his glistening dorsal ridge. What better way to pay tribute to the original Stephen T. Colbert than to name a legendary conqueror of sea bears in his honor.
Should The Rev. Sir Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. give his blessing and consent to name ID#079 in his honor, The Dolphin Stephen T. Colbert will be made available for adoption to members of the Colbert Nation (and the rest of the world) for just $30 a year, with all proceeds benefiting the scientific research and conservations efforts of the Dolphin Communication Project. Adoptive parents will receive a photograph of The Dolphin Stephen T. Colbert, as well as a DVD, adoption certificate and many more goodies.
We humbly request permission of the great Stephen T. Colbert to name ID#079 in his honor. We wait with bated (and smelling vaguely of fish) breath for your reply. Please contact us ASAP.
-The Dolphin Communication Project
PS: You are welcome to visit us on Bimini any time Stephen – we will gladly take you out to sea to look for your dolphin-namesake.
Fan of DCP or member of the Colbert Nation? Here’s how you can help our campaign:
Send a message to the land mammal Stephen Colbert asking him to authorize DCP to name a dolphin in his honor. If you’re his neighbor, why not swing by this weekend and bring him a home-baked dolphin-themed bunt cake. If you don’t know Stephen personally, try sending him a message via Twitter at http://twitter.com/stephenathome or http://twitter.com/colbertreport – surely Stephen reads each message from his 2,000,000+ followers, so your message is vital to the campaign. Here’s an idea for something you could write to him:
@StephenAtHome please give @dolphincommu permission to name a dolphin in your honor http://tinyurl.com/dolphinstephen #dolphincolbert
You can also help DCP in a more general way by donating, or adopting one of our wild dolphins currently available. We hope to add The Dolphin Stephen T. Colbert to this lineup soon!
*please note that we here at DCP love sharks. We only invented the leftist-agenda/totalitarian thing for comedic effect. Sharks are a vital component of the oceans’ ecosystem, and without them, the world would soon be overrun with mackerel. Sharks are in very serious danger at the moment due to overfishing and other human activities – visit Bite Back or many of the other shark conservation websites to learn more!